If I bring up his mum's unfairness, he says I'm "slagging her off" but I'm pointing out the unbalance. My boyfriend and I agree that we cannot live with his parents as a couple for various reasons. That could make it difficult if he wants to buy a home at some point, especially given that he already has student loans. Its very heartbreaking, I love him dearly but really cant understand his decision to provide for his parents at the expense of living like this in his prime time. He is a really nice gentleman. At this point, I'm not sure what you'd lose is you just flat-out told him you've been invading his privacy and demand to know why he keeps financially supporting an ex he broke up with nearly a year ago. He makes the bed, you dust the tables. Im afraid that if you move in together, youd end up indirectly providing financial support for his parents by shouldering most of the bills. How come it is OK for him to give his mom money and cater to her needs/sugar coat EVERYTHING for her..but he is so mean, nasty and down right just hard on me? When he gets desperate, something will definately pop up. I think you need to decide what your bottom line is and if having his Mom living with you or financially dependent on you is not acceptable, then frankly i think this guy is not the right guy for you. IF this is an absolute dealbreaker I would just move on without commenting on his financial situation. Send your tricky money questions to AskPenny@thepennyhoarder.com. It can be an incredibly difficult situation to deal with, both emotionally and financially when your husband is financially irresponsible. If he was using a small portion of his income for this commitment, i might have been more comfortable. However, there are some things that you need to do if your spouse is financially irresponsible. Do not focus on his mom. This isn't money going into booze and video games. In a world of dating sites and swiping right, couples who do everything together may seem retro and cute from the outside, but theres a real value in flying solo, even when attached. Started Monday at 02:12 AM. However, if your spouse is using you, they will always find a way to change the subject when you bring up finances, or they might even get angry and cause conflict when you try to talk to them about it. HELP!!! And if it all is true it also means he's very under his parents thumb and that's a whole other kettle of fish - have you even met these people? I feel his parents are his children though. Seriously. He has a good career and could have makeup for his financial difficulties if he did NOT have to support them. Though its admirable that he wants to help his parents, its a sign that they will always come before you and your relationship. He Gets Annoyed When You Spend Money On Yourself, 11. So while you wait for your boyfriend to set limits with his parents, be firm about your limits. As mentioned, its often difficult to tell if someone is using you financially. It would be very easy for him to argue that he would be able to put all his income to his debt and recover faster if you did that. Thanks for taking the time responding to my question. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Spillevinken But aside from the obvious traits one should avoid in a mate: aggression (passive or outright), disrespect, a lack of manners, empathy and/or intelligence, there are those red flags that look a softer shade of pink behind rose-colored glasses. 2. Its important to have alone time, friend time, and hobbies outside of the relationship to allow partners to be excited to come back together and share their stories, says Estes. If he cant, these are important factors to consider, says Estes. On paying for things at the end of the month, gifts I mentioned to make his life easier, and small other things. I do know people who make the decision to move parents in when they are very old and infirm, but his mother is able bodied and can in theory take care of herself but instead she chooses to rely on her son and he lets her. She is Hispanic and my boyfriend says she was raised not to work but be stay at home mom. Receive weekly tips & tricks to improve your love life. When Its Not:If your mans mom is having an issue every time you have a date or the majority of his conversations include his family members, it may be time to cut the chord. I went and confirmed it with an expert. This is a man who has financial dependents/serious codependency with his parents that does not sound at all healthy and he will until the day they die. to assemble a debt repayment plan. You need to verify if this is true, by the way. Mom will be around for the next maybe 30-40 years of their marriage living with them. Before I met him I was married and my husband left me and . It's very okay to support your boyfriend financially. No thanks. There is no problem in supporting your boyfriend financially. Started Monday at 06:41 PM, By A few really good points, one really good script. The beauty (yes, beauty) in being knocked down when you're in a relationship is that you have some help getting up. If you're together as a family and want to grow I dont see how you'll be able to when he's already supporting one family and living in a basement to do it. They seem really happy for him that hes dating and are very nice to me. Relationship advice for women that is researched-backed and data driven and actually works. Or youd be forced to drastically lower your living standards to accommodate their support. Typically, if you feel as if your significant other is using you, he probably is. When theyre able to work, they earn low wages. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Sure, some couples cope fine. Its important to have an identity and individuality when in a relationship. AND he's bad with money and is $50K in the hole from his own bad relationship with money. This leaves my boyfriend and I having to pay for what she can't and has been causing tension and stress! No products in the cart. Ask friends and family for donations to this account while noting you will pay them back once you are on your feet. If he dismisses your feelings, consider it a sign that he's not up to being the partner you need. Plus, "if you keep offering more support than you receive, you risk . The Double-Edged Sword of Social Media: The Impact on Body Image, The Benefits of Being Single: Why Single People are Happy and Healthy, The Benefits of Laughter in Relationships, The Power of Forgiveness: How It Heals and Helps Relationships Grow, Why Your Character Matters More Than You Think. New Member. We have started talking moving in, marriage . (And read my 21 pieces of unsolicited advice for you, the brokenhearted.) For the record, I only earn more than him while I'm loccuming, and that means no sick pay or holiday. It's tough to make an objective, logical decision about how to help your brother or your parents. It's not commendable, it's self-destructive. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect - the sticky mother-in-law woes. Your decisions are yours alone and we are in no way responsible for your actions. A married couple should combine their income and expenses and pay all bills from the combined total of both incomes. Its not just about financial security, its also about showing that someone is willing to get up every day and do what it takes to take care of themselves and work towards a higher goal.. To avoid financial pitfalls stemming from a spouse's bullying behaviour, it is essential to have the money talk before marriage. All these comments about how commendable the son is for supporting his parents like this, smh. His point is that he can do whatever he wants with his money after we've contributed to the shared pot. Published Oct. 22, 2021. Son is 50k in the red, he needs to prioritize his finances before he has to declare bankruptcy in the future. Perhaps you feel as if youre the one doing all the hard work and your husband is just spending your money? Problem is, his family are always asking for money, and no matter how much it is, he will give, even if he / we can't afford it. applestorangesJanuary 30, 2012 in Relationship Advice. When we started dating I asked him why his sibling doesnt contribute for the parents cost of living. His current financial situation is because of wrong investments and mostly putting all his savings in one basket, trying to have his own business and spending substantial amounts of money with little success. However, most couples, especially those that are married, do tend to have joint accounts and share money with each other, most of the time simply because it's easier. We do highly welcome posts and community interaction, and registering is simply part of the posting system. Dead body found in Hillsborough apartment with unharmed infant, deputies say, Estimated 630,000 gallons of raw sewage spilled into the Hillsborough River, records show, Tampa man arrested in death of woman found in apartment with unharmed infant, deputies say, Hillsborough man dies in crash on Selmon Expressway exit ramp, Tampa race has 4 candidates, including 2 council veterans, seeking open seat, High-profile race for citywide Tampa council seat has seen fireworks, How about spending more on preventing crime? Your character, your way of thinking, your emotional intelligence, and the way you interact with the world around you all play a significant role in shaping your life, relationships, and achievements. The family dynamic is messed, but rather than cut his family off or create a fuss, it's much easier for him to pay the 350. Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging YourRelationship? When we first met . In our teens, being in the band made a man sexy. 11 junio, 2020. The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness. Ask Amy: I think my boyfriend should stop financially supporting his ex Perspective by Amy Dickinson June 23, 2022 at 12:00 a.m. EDT Article Dear Amy: I started seeing "James" three months. This signals that he may not see you as an equal. When Its Workable:If your man is a bit shy or a bit of a loner, it doesnt mean you need to dump him. It will accumulate in time and destroy your relationship by chipping away at your respect for him and your trust that he can offer you a sense of balance and security. As harsh as this sounds you have to face facts here. But I dont want this to put a permanent stop to our hopes for our relationship or cause him even more financial stress. As to the first point, I agree he cannot simply abandon his parents and stop paying for them cold turkey when he has himself created that codependency and shows no signs of stopping it. Her boyfriend was financially unstable and wanted her to support him. My extended family felt entitled to look through my mother's paintings, her purses, her jewelry and everything else. I always buy him little gifts that he might want or need, and I've mentioned I'd love little gifts too. True, confronting him in that way almost guarantees some issues in your own relationships, but . Press J to jump to the feed. Continue with Recommended Cookies, By One cousin even took one of my mother's designer purses to give to her . The more you grow, the more the relationship can grow, says Estes. If it feels there is a competing element involved, you may feel that regardless of what you do or say, the family will win, she says. Your personality influences everything from the way you make decisions to how you respond to challenges and opportunities. 3. 2. Because to me it makes zero sense they made good money but never did anything for retirement, that there's another sibling who doesn't contribute and that he's paying for two places when most people taking care of parents live with them. ( I found out yesterday, and am really upset he lied to me) Sometimes they ask for more on top (another 100) and we give them that too. It's a fair point. My boyfriend and I have an income gap in our professions, so he financially supports me. For example, its quite acceptable for one partner to pay for the bills, but the other pay for everyday expenses for example. If you find that whenever you go out for dinner or head to the shops youre always the one paying because your guy never offers, this is a problem. 2. Exactly, unfortunately he feels obligated to bail them out. if mom walks into their bedroom while they are in there asking for money, the boundaries stink. Am I making a mistake? Not only is she asking another woman's husband for money, this is not the first time she's done so. We met 3 years ago (on tinder), and got married 4 months ago. Rent, groceries, bills, car, cellphone, you name it. They continue to ask for financial help. He uses the words "I'm not going to abandon my family", but they are the ones that abandoned him (boarding school that he hated for years + his mum lives in another country for almost half the year, so he has to look after his brother and sister). Call Georgia's Aging and Disability Network at 1-866-552-4464 as soon as possible. This isnt about his Mom. It is ridiculous of him to accuse you of not saving money while he hands huge wads to his mother. 17th May 2021. Recently the situation has changed. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. It has been proven to have numerous physical and mental health benefits, including reducing stress, boosting the immune system, and improving mood. His response was his parents will be able to use social assistance. The Life Of His Own/Relationship Equation:Im obviously not suggesting that every woman start loving the idea of a Costa Rican bachelor party blow-out (sorry, gentlemen, I know too much), but imagine never having time to unwind with your girls over a bottle of wine or take that trip to the ultimate spa retreat with your bestie? His mother is always going to be in the picture and is very financially reliant on him like she is his wife. If his name is on the mortgage, it will increase his debt-to-income ratio. Relationships are all about equality, even when it comes to . Though you say hes been receptive, it doesnt sound like hes taken any action to alleviate your concerns. The relative financial contributions of men and women differ significantly by the educational attainment of each partner. If hes getting up early, networking and pounding the pavement, he deserves your full support. By now, (I hope) you know that if a man freaks out on the waiter, hes likely going to do the same to you, and those men who hate all of their exes? There are some people who will live with their parents their whole lives and expect their spouse to accept it. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. Relationships are dynamic and there are a lot of ways to connect with a partner. The long-standing issue #1, however, is his parents' total reliance on him. Your boyfriend isnt the one who asked me for advice, though.